the weekend's here!!!!

the feeling of homesickness & missing the familiar faces, settings and environment only settled in this week. despite the busy schedules that they've put us in, i somehow found time to feel "detached" and "alone" from all the activities that we have. it's like i am, but i'm not? *sigh*

anyway, clinical school is NO JOKE.. i have a slight wave of regret for not studying harder, for all the exams i've passed, God has been more than good to me, it's GRACE! because coming here, i realize how much i actually don't know OR don't remember!

how embarassing it is to stare at bck at the consultant with a blank face (& even worse, with no answer).

or to think that i have no problems with english, but everything i say just doesn't seem to come out right(i still tend to 'lah' and get a considerable amount of weird stares), and i try to listen so hard to filter their sentences that i forget the real meaning of it (eg. what are the common causes for iron def.? and i thought iodine.. what are the signs of cardiac failure? and i answer dyspnoea, which happens to be a SYMPTOM! -_-") to feel fake when i speak with an accent, but really dumb if i continue with my 'lahs'.

to wake up really early in the morning, and sleep early..

to STUDY! in between sessions and after dinner.

to be confident,

to get the doctors to notice you so that you get a good assessment.

to be able to do all the system's FULL examination in 6 mins/each.

to be posted in the cardiology unit BUT have to learn all the other 9 systems. it doesn't help that most ppl tell me how scary my professor is (who happens to be assessing me)

it doesn't help that i tend to be "sympathetic" rather than "empathetic" to my patients, being rather emotionally attached. i feel bad, when we see the patient 3x just because we're 'eager' medical students who wants to see campbell de morgan spots, or finger clubbing, or hear a cardiac murmur, or a wheeze. or hunt down interns so that they'll teach us how to put a cannula in, or draw blood, or do a blood gas just so we can learn, but jabbing patients a few times, causing such a huge bruise, it pains me. i just can't do it! but then again, if we don't practice, we won't learn!

i'm STRESSED!!!!

and then, i realize that all i've been trying to do is to please ppl, to live up to their standards, feelings of inadequacy (trust me, the doctors ask a whole lot of questions that you've never heard of and u just wish a hole will swallow u up!) especially even more when we're entering halfway through the course. it's a challenge. i know the feeling, i've felt it before when i joined a levels in s'pore abt 5 mths after they started.

and God impressed upon me, the only person u have to please is Me. i've brought u through all the stages of your life, would i not do the same again this time? and that's right. why am i being so bogged down, when i shld be victorious because God is in control. it was only today, that i really unloaded my "luggages" of stress and worries. 1 Peter 5:7

and now that the weekend's here, i'm gonna buy myself a pair of good & comfy shoes (way overdue) maybe go for a picnic at the park, and visit another church this weekend. and of course.. study! ;)

p/s: there's a good clause abt my professor, he likes research students, and he happens to be my supervisor *phew*