I know why...

sometimes i forget, why i'm doing what i'm doing... it is in situations like this, that God uses, to remind me why...

it was on friday,

my registrar asked me to talk to this patient, who is depressed and apparently suicidal, just to see how he's going because she had something else to do.. she told me to go through the case notes first, just so i got a brief picture of what has been happening. she gave me the ward #, bed #.. and off i went, thinking in my head, "it must be one of those people who just don't value life enough, and want to take the easy way out."

as i arrive at the wards, i realize it was a palliative care ward. i wanted to find the case notes but i felt a prompting to just go straight in and look for the patient and so i did.. there he was, sitting on the chair, with the oxygen prongs placed across his nose, with his eyes closed. i didn't want to wake him up, so i thought i'd come back a little later, but he woke up to the sound of his neighbour's squeaky bed..

before i introduced myself to him, i noticed he had a bible on the table... i immediately remembered what dr richard loh said when he gave the talk on "So you wanna save lives?". i did the same thing, and said. "that's a good book, it changed my life!" and introduced myself to him.

we chatted at great lengths as he shared about his family, the things he used to do as well as how he's holding on for the sake of his granddaughter's arrival but sometimes feel it's so hard. but throughout our conversations, i noticed he had laboured breathing and was in obvious pain, he would mention many times that the pain has become so unbearable for him at times, and i could sense that he was very frustrated deep within, for the fact that he got his terminal illness from his job, costing him his life. i knew he wanted to have the pain gone forever, he was already on maximal analgesia, and still, his pain score was 4-5.

it was at this point that i pointed to the bible, and said, you know this great book? contains a lot of promises you can claim :) medications can help you to a certain extent, but it is God that can heal you and help you! at that point, we had already chatted for about an hour. and i was supposed to be at a meeting back in the wards. i felt prompted to pray for him before i leave. i asked for his permission, he agreed, and we prayed together. the moment we said amen, he said. thank you. thank you. you know, just before you came in, i'm not talking about minutes or hours, it was seconds! that i felt really upset and frustrated and fed-up and felt like giving up, until you introduced yourself and started talking to me. you've made my day so much brighter, thank you for that prayer! i don't feel the pain as badly now. he smiled for the first time.

it was at that time that a tear streamed down my eye, and i felt so humbled. that God would use me, to say a simple prayer, and make a difference in this patient's life. it's only a small seed. but it made a difference in him, just that smile, that joy! that peace! it is through moments like this that God reminds me why i'm doing what i'm doing. not for my own glory's sake. but for His.

when people ask me why medicine? my answer is... to be honest, i didn't choose medicine. i never thought i'd do medicine.. it has been architecture all the way, until... i realize, it's not about ME! it's not about my ambitions (especially after A levels as some of you might know). as cliche as it may sound, i want to touch lives for God, i want to help people and i think medicine is the best platform to do just that. i know that God has open this door for me to pass through, I can testify to that, through His providence (IMU and University of Adelaide?!! that's heaps of finances required), through His faithfulness (of bringing me through every exam and rotation) and bringing different people in my life to inspire me (the list is endless).