determined...

as a continuation from my previous 2 posts, yup i'm still sick. but that's not the point of this post. haha.. wait for it..

it has been abt 4 weeks now, and it was also 4 weeks ago i started o&g. while paeds kept me really busy, and the amount of things to study overwhelming, i didn't dread it. o&g on the other hand, haish~ the travel.. 8 am starts.. is getting to me. doesn't make it easier that i'm sick. yesterday i was so tired (cos i had to go to gawler [85 bus stops from the city, go figure!] as well), i came back & cook cos it was my turn, and went straight to bed at 730pm! i wasn't intending to sleep until the next morning but i did.. i woke up at 4 am, startled, distress & crying because i had so many things to do but i SLEPT! i don't know why i was so distressed! i didn't know what to do.. i settled a bit and read the bible, and then rolled around for a little while and drifted off to sleep again..

woke up again, and got ready.. left the house and walked to the bus stop. waited for a bit, the bus didn't turn up (panicking!! it left without me??!!). anyway, cut the long story short i had to wait another half hour for the next one to come, and i was late, again. because i had to depend on the bus! these are days when i pray to God that i had a car.. you have no idea how much i want it.

it's not that i hate taking the bus. i actually enjoy the rides. cos during these long rides, i take time to admire the scenery, reflect & spend time talking to God, and read. today was one of those days when i had a good chat with God. nevermind the fact i had to wait an extra 30 mins, and that i was late for a tutorial. why get worked up over circumstances you can't change huh? i guess i wasn't worked up, but i did complain to God la - why am i sick for so long la, why i don't have a car like other people la, or why put me in this hospital when i don't have a car, why do i always feel tired? why this, why that.. haha, i'm not always like that la..

after i had complained non-stop, i looked up towards the sky, and there i saw sun shining through the clouds and i felt God say, "You are my beloved, in whom I am well pleased" just like what He said to Jesus when he was baptized.

i sat there stunned for a moment. in the end, all my complaints didn't seem to matter anymore. because God had just told me, again, He loves me. and that He was pleased with me. eventhough i complained. eventhough i was imperfect. because He saw Jesus in me. grace. amazing grace. i don't deserve it, at all. my strength, my faith, my fighting spirit has been at an all time low these past weeks, but God has not forgotten me, neither has He left me to fend for myself. and He did not let me go through what i cannot bear. He knew i was near collapsing point, and His gentle reminder of love picked me up again.

i was wondering why the word 'freedom' has been repeating in my mind all this while.. i didn't think i needed it. i thought i was ok.. but i guess now i know. in His presence there is liberty, fullness of JOY. i should not be feeling tired all the time. i should not be dreading my rotation all the time. i should not be dreading waking up in the mornings. i should be looking forward to each day! thanking Him for the opportunity i have to study.. the opportunity to meet people!

hence, i am determined.. to get well, and seize the day! by God's grace of course ;)

addit: oh!! and, and!! i just saw my paeds results on the board. an A!!! *beams* thank You Jesus!